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 What would his Bond do?

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PostSubject: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyFri Apr 01, 2011 12:07 am

Let's get this back up and running.
If you don't know what this is, all you do is take a scenario from a Bond film and say what the other Bond actors might have done in the same scenario. Like so:

Bond is attending Carver's party in Tomorrow Never Dies...

Connery
Bond introduces himself as a banker and Carver says, "A new banker. I seem to collect them." All of a sudden Connery grabs him by the collar and whispers, "Enough. What do you know about the masshacre of British soldiers aboard the Devonshire?" Carver calls for Stamper, but Bond punches the henchman out and pushes Carver to the floor. He then walks over to a convenient jetpack in the middle of the room and straps it on, saying "I know you shunk the Devonshire, asshhole." Blasting off, he yells: "Now you can tell about the banker that got away!"

Lazenby
Carver's men attempt to escort Bond away, but Lazenby begins a brawl out on the floor. He knocks each of them over with a single punch, waits for them to get back up, then repeats. All this footage is sped-up x3. Suddenly, we cut to a shot of Lazenby and the goons struggling in the ocean. There's a flurry of confusing images - and the fight is over. Disguised by a kilt and glasses, Bond huddles up in a corner of the room and doesn't leave until Wai Lin finds him.

Moore
Bond meets Wai Lin, who introduces herself. With a raised brow, he quips: "I've always wanted to try Chinese!" He then spots old girlfriend Paris Carver on a balcony and runs over to see her. She bitches at him for ditching her because 'something always came up'. Moore replies: "Something's coming up right now. Come on darling." He takes her to a backroom, where he, Paris and Wai Lin have a threesome. Carver's men go after him - but Moore escapes, and they chase him around the party to the sounds of 'Yakety Sax'.

Dalton
Bond is captured by Carver's goons, but headbutts them all into unconsciousness. After shutting down Carver's broadcast, he sets up in the rafters with a sniper rifle aimed at the stage. He tries to look through the scope, but is blinded momentarily by a laser light. Finally getting a clear shot at Carver, Dalton suddenly hesitates when he realizes Carver's lovely PR girl is a potential casualty. When another laser light reflects off his scope, his position is revealed. Carver screams at Bond, and goons rush up to the rafters. Dalton punches them out, then quickly snipes Paris in the head. He exits onto the roof, shouts "TIME TO LEAVE!", and parachutes away.

Craig
Allows Carver to capture him only as a matter of courtesy, then murders his captors in the control room. Instead of shutting down the live broadcast, Bond walks out into the crowd just so that Carver can see him. Carver barely contains his rage - then, out of nowhere, the corpses of his goons fall from the rafters and onto the stage. In the ensuing mayhem, Craig takes Wai Lin's arm, quips "What a lively crowd" and strolls out of the party unscathed.
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyFri Apr 01, 2011 5:14 am

*INSERT PIERCE BROSNAN PAIN FACE PHOTO*
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyFri Apr 01, 2011 5:23 am

Louis Armstrong wrote:
Suddenly, we cut to a shot of Lazenby and the goons struggling in the ocean.

laugh

Actually, had Marc Forster directed TND, that film would cut to the ocean too, as Bond says "Lost at sea", just so we get the, y'know, symbolism thing bashed over our heads. ;)
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptySat Apr 30, 2011 7:46 am

Pierce Brosnan says goodbye to Bibi Dahl at the ice rink in For Your Eyes Only...

Bond and Bibi go their separate ways, and three hockey players attack Bond. After knocking them all into a net, Bond chases Bibi down. He manages to corner her - and finds that she has stripped in an attempt to seduce him. Brosnan, however, will have none of this, and puts a bullet in her chest. He then leans over the nude corpse and whispers to himself, "He shoots... he scores."

:bounce:
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptySat Apr 30, 2011 8:18 am

Love the image of the goons chasing Moore to yakety sax, laugh
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptySat Apr 30, 2011 8:31 am

Louis Armstrong wrote:
Pierce Brosnan says goodbye to Bibi Dahl at the ice rink in For Your Eyes Only...

Bond and Bibi go their separate ways, and three hockey players attack Bond. After knocking them all into a net, Bond chases Bibi down. He manages to corner her - and finds that she has stripped in an attempt to seduce him. Brosnan, however, will have none of this, and puts a bullet in her chest. He then leans over the nude corpse and whispers to himself, "He shoots... he scores."

:bounce:

Connery'd just shag her and give her a slap for being easy.
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyTue May 03, 2011 5:50 am

George Lazenby is para-surfing on a tidal wave in Die Another Day

Lazenby realises the special-effects in this haven't improved since Helga Brandt parachuted out of a plane in YOLT because it all looks faker than shit. Decides to make it SEX-AY, purloins it and turns it into a commercial after he abandons Bond.

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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyThu Jun 30, 2011 4:28 am

...probably should have let Python make this thread...
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyThu Jun 30, 2011 5:38 am

I didn't mind. Heck I'm surprised I didn't post on this thread. Yeah, this was my first legacy in MI6, the thread that stretched from my registration to the collapse of the site. Lots of gold in that thread, now lost.

Oh well, time to make a funny.

PIERCE BROSNAN in LICENCE TO KILL

Sanchez: "What brings you here?"
Bond: "I'm temporarily unemployed. I thought I might find work here."
Sanchez: "Sorry Amigo, but we don't have a spot for a chauffeur. Besides, in this country one has to show a certain talent others do not have."
*a visibly bored Sanchez gives a signal"
*GUNSHOT*
*Bond collapses off his chair with PAINFACE a bullet hole behind his head*
Sanchez: "Well that wasn't too difficult."
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyThu Jun 30, 2011 6:29 am

Louis Armstrong wrote:
...probably should have let Python make this thread...

Very well done. The first Carver's party post is hilarious :cheers:

===Thanks Aural Sects. I am switching my aftershave to Old Spice forthwith.
They don't make commercials like they used to.


Connery and Anya at the pyramids escaping Jaws.

Sean looks at Anya's ridiculous karate chop posing, scowls, gives her a friendly bum slap and tells her, "to run along, this is mans work"
After finally managing to bury Jaws in rubble, Connery with a satisfied look, tosses some wild desert flowers on the heap and hustles over to intercept Anya trying to escpae in the van.
Connery quickly spots the microfilm, grabs it, and stuffs it in his tux pocket. Anya lunges for the pocket but yanks her hand out in pain, due to a small mousetrap attached, crushing her fingers.
Connery momentarily thinks about sucking on her injured fingers, but then realizes that he doesn't want to traumatize his loyal audience, never mind that it’s just weird; almost as weird as the blank expression on Anya's face, even though she should have pain face.
Sean shakes his head and then sees Jaws advancing on the van. No problem. Sean activates the van's front end machine guns and sprays Jaws with several bursts. The bullets all rattle off Jaws metallic teeth and crotch.
Not at a loss though, Sean backs up, shifts gears and comes at Jaws full speed, and then expertly jerks the van up on two wheels and deftly guides the vehicle through a long narrow opening between ancient rock formations.
Bond rights the car and then looks at Anya for reaction. Despite the mousetrap dangling from her crushed fingers and all the excitement, Anya still has the same wide eyed glazed expression.
An exasperated Bond reaches for the gear selector, and before Anya can assume her karate chop pose, activates the passenger ejector seat and sends Anya skyward .
Bond then drives off with the James Bond theme, triumphantly blaring, fiddling with the dash and wondering why there’s no little blip blip tracking device to play with.
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyMon Jul 04, 2011 4:42 am

Bond Meets Fields:

Connery
Fields: Hello Mr Bond, my name is Fields. I'm from the Consulate.
Bond [friendly): Of courshe you are. Tell me, Missh Fieldsh, what do you do at the Conshulate?
Fields: Never mind that. I'm -
Bond: No, no, do tell.
Fields: Well, since you put it that way...
Bond: I''ll put you both waysh.

Bond and Fields shag, and Mathis gets jealous.

Lazenby
Fields: Hello Mr Bond, my name is Fields, I'm-
Bond: Good morning! My name is Bond, James Bond
Fields: Well, you don't waste any time, do you?
Bond: No, but we do have all the time in the world
Fields: Oh James!

Bond and Fields kiss passionately, and Mathis is jealous.

Moore
Fields: Hello Mr Bond, my name is Fields, I'm from the Consulate.
*Moore cocks eyebrow*

They shag, and Mathis becomes jealous.

Dalton
Fields: Hello Mr Bond, my name is Fields, I'm from -
Bond: We haven't got time!
*Bond grabs her hand and begins walking quickly, as if out of obligation to shag her*
Bond [to Mathis]: Stop watching the birdie you bastard! Section 26, paragraph 5. Need to know, I'm sure you understand.

Bond walks off with Fields to shag, away from a jealous Mathis.

Brosnan
*Fields walks to Bond and slaps him across the face*
Bond: Was it something I said?
Fields: How about the words 'I'll be right back'?
Bond: Something came up.
Fields: Something always came up, apparently. M's worried sick about you
Bond: That's because I'm a sexist, mysogynist dinosaur. A predator. *cocks eyebrow*
Fields: Do you feast?
Bond: On strawberries, no less.
Fields: How did you know -
Bond (Brosnan looks at Purvis and Wade. They shrug their shoulders)(pause): I know things.
Fields: James!

Bond and Fields kiss, and Mathis becomes jealous.
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyMon Jul 04, 2011 9:23 am

I think that Moore one can be shortened a tad. Like so:

Quote :
Moore
Fields: He-
*Moore cocks eyebrow*

They shag, and Mathis becomes jealous.

;)
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyWed Jul 06, 2011 5:06 am

Dalton
Fields: Hello Mr Bond, my name is Fields, I'm from -
Bond: Piss Off.

Bond reads the rest of Fields' script, shoots her, pulls Purvis and Wade's spines out, shoots them, can't be arsed going after small fry like Greene so instead spends the rest of the film looking for M, eventually setting her on fire with his lighter before going to the grave of Robert Brown to apologise for the sh*te that's replaced his character for the last 16 years. Takes Olga up the arse in front of a winking fish, credits roll.
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyThu Jul 07, 2011 5:40 am

Lazenby. wrote:
Dalton
Fields: Hello Mr Bond, my name is Fields, I'm from -
Bond: Piss Off.

Bond reads the rest of Fields' script, shoots her, pulls Purvis and Wade's spines out, shoots them, can't be arsed going after small fry like Greene so instead spends the rest of the film looking for M, eventually setting her on fire with his lighter before going to the grave of Robert Brown to apologise for the sh*te that's replaced his character for the last 16 years. Takes Olga up the arse in front of a winking fish, credits roll.
Thats Dalton on steroids. Scary stuff.
Then again if he met Fields, he might immediately fall in love with her. Give her one his puppy love, goofy grins and invite her for a ferris wheel ride tongue
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptySun Jul 10, 2011 4:37 am

Lazenby meets Sanchez in Licence to Kill...

Bond tells Sanchez that he helps people with problems, to which Sanchez replies, "Problem solver?" Lazenby puffs on a pipe, then shouts cheerily: "More of a gay genealogist!" He pulls out a book of coat-of-arms and flips to the one for Sanchez, which includes a golden gun, the Miami Vice logo, the motto 'Non pecunia fidem', and an iguana rampant.


Craig meets Pushkin in The Living Daylights...

Bond throws Saunders' corpse into a dumpster, stealing all his carnival tickets to make the death look like a robbery. He then jets off to Morocco to break into Pushkin's hotel room. Holding Rubavitch at gunpoint, he calmly explains that her boyfriend is a bad guy. When Pushkin finally shows up, Craig strangles him and shouts at Rubavitch, "get out of here, go GO GO!" After she leaves, Pushkin's bodyguard bursts in. Bond, however, has already parkoured across the rooftops to escape.
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptySun Jul 10, 2011 12:26 pm

Moore in the TLD pre-credit sequence ... 'I'm not getting on top of a moving bloody Land Rover, have you any idea how much trouble my back gives me these days? And you can see my gut in these black combat fatigues ... how's about a nicely roomy safari suit instead?' .
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptySun Jul 10, 2011 10:00 pm

Daniel Craig is about to be cut in half by a laser in Goldfinger:

Craig: You expect me to talk?

Auric: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die

Craig: *laughs hysterically*

Auric: I can't imagine what's so funny.

Craig: Now the whole world's going to know you died scratching my balls.




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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyMon Jul 11, 2011 2:16 am

Moore in The Living Daylights to Kara:

Kara: You DUMB! STUBBORN, STUPID! (Kara shouts Russian phrase)!
Bond: What exactly is that supposed to mean, my dear?
Kara: Back end of horse!
Bond: (Cocks eyebrow) Well, now that you bring up back ends...

-They shag-


Moore in GoldenEye to M:

M: You don't like me, Bond. You think I'm an accountant; a bean counter more interested in my numbers than your instincts.
Bond: (Cocks eyebrow)
M: Well I think you're a...(M is finding it difficult to resist Sir Roger's charm)...a...well, sexist...dinosaur...
Bond: (More eyebrow) Really?
M: (Staring deeply into Bond's eyes) Yes...

-They Shag-
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyMon Jul 11, 2011 3:45 am

Miranda Frost first make out scene with Bond behind the cars.

[kissing]
Miranda: Are they still there?
Moore: No. [cocks eyebrow]
Miranda: oh you're impossible!
[his eyebrow is still raised]
[they shag on the car]
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyMon Jul 11, 2011 6:03 am

Moore is tortured in Casino Royale

Le Chiffre: Wow, you've taken such good care of your body.
Moore: (Raises eyebrow) Really?

They shag.
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyTue Aug 16, 2011 9:43 pm

Scene where honey talks about learning from an encyclapedia and where she killed her rapist.

Moore
Honey: I started at A when I was 8. Now I'm at T. I bet I know a lot more than you do!
Moore: what did you find under S?

They shag.

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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyWed Aug 17, 2011 12:53 am

Roger Moore has dinner with Vesper in Casino Royale...

Bond mentions that Vesper's wearing an Algerian love knot. She replies: "Really? I thought it was just something pretty." Moore then grabs the necklace and pulls her toward him. "Really?" he says, his mouth only inches from hers. He reaches around her neck and undoes the chain; the necklace falls to the table and then onto the floor. The pair both sit back in their chairs, and he cocks an eyebrow. "Whoops," he coos, smiling unwaveringly, "there it goes." Vesper then slips under the table to retrieve it. We cut to a shot of Moore, and his eyes roll. "That is not the necklace!" Suddenly his eyes bug out. "Not now, darling!" He reaches below, and a slap is heard. Moaning is then heard from under the table as Bond glances around the restaurant in embarrassment. Vesper hits her head on the table as she surfaces, crying "Ooh!" for comedic relief. "Now, now," Moore says, "don't go ruining that lovely head of yours..."
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyTue Feb 21, 2012 11:07 am

Bond is attempting to open Gumbold's safe in On Her Majesty's Secret Service...

Connery
Bond enters Gumbold's office, sitting down with a Playboy. Suddenly the office door opens and Gumbold appears. Connery crouches behind the safe, then slowly raises the magazine's centrefold into the air. Gumbold is compelled by this, and he walks over in a trance. Then, while holding up the centrefold, Bond punches through the magazine right into Gumbold's jaw. The lawyer collapses, and Bond rises. He gazes at the woman on the spread and mumbles, "What a knockout." A helicopter piloted by Felix appears, dropping a skyhook down to the balcony. 007 attaches the safe to it, then shimmies up the rope. The chopper takes off with cargo in tow, and Connery shouts to Leiter, "Keep her at a safe height!"

Moore
Moore enters Gumbold's office, and a nude girl runs from the side bathroom into a closet to hide. She thinks she's been clever, but Bond has a sharp eye. He strolls over to the safe, noticing Gumbold's pet parrot repeating the combination ad nauseam. Bond frowns, then tosses Gumbold's feathery friend out the window. "What a lovely bird." Moore cleans himself up in the bathroom, then throws open the closet. "A-HA!" he shouts, his eyes bugged out. "Another bird." The woman's eyes widen as he steps into the closet. "You won't squawk, will you? There's a good girl. Now, I've rigged your boyfriend's safe to open in five hours." The closet closes. "Let's get cracking, shall we?"

Dalton
Bond rappels into Gumbold's office and glares at the huge safe. He decorates the vault with explosive toothpaste and sets the tube in the bathroom. Dalton then joins Campbell across the street to peer into Gumbold's office with a scope. At midnight, their target finally returns. Gumbold starts brushing with the new toothpaste while getting ready for bed. Bond flicks a switch, blowing the safe door clean off. There's a flash and a bang as blood cakes the office and Campbell shouts, "What the hell happened?" He grabs the scope from Dalton, who smiles grimly. "He had a toothache."

Brosnan
Bond opens the safe and sees a package inside. He bellows, "It's a bomb!" and dives through the window, grabbing onto Campbell's crane line. A female American construction worker approaches 007 as he lowers to the ground. "Where's the bomb?" she asks flatly. Brosnan straightens his tie and purses his lips, breathing heavily. "It's my job that's the bomb." The girl looks him up and down, stopping to ponder his crotch. She notices the safe-cracking machine has been damaged - then turns a critical eye on Bond. "Ooh," he simpers, "you look like you're ready to blow." Suddenly an explosion bursts from the office above. Bond watches this, then wheels back around and touches his lips. "Now do you appreciate the size of my derringdo?" She moves closer and lays a hand on his chest. Bond whispers, "Don't worry... you'll get your head around it eventually."

Craig
Craig parkours into Gumbold's office and removes his shirt. He ties it around the office door handles, fastening them shut. Bond then calls M and says he can't open the safe. "I need to know I can trust you," she replies. Bond: "I need that safe open and I need it now!" Suddenly his phone beeps and the safe unlocks. "You owe me, James," M coos. He hangs up and throws the safe open, finding Gumbold's cellphone. Craig smiles. "I love you too M."


Last edited by Louis Armstrong on Wed Feb 22, 2012 8:21 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyTue Feb 21, 2012 4:05 pm

Louis Armstrong wrote:

Connery
Bond enters Gumbold's office, sitting down with a Playboy. Suddenly the office door opens and Gumbold appears. Connery crouches behind the safe, then slowly raises the magazine's centrefold into the air. Gumbold is compelled by this, and he walks over in a trance. Then, while holding up the centrefold, Bond punches through the magazine right into Gumbold's jaw. The lawyer collapses, and Bond rises. He gazes at the woman on the spread and mumbles, "What a knockout." A helicopter piloted by Felix appears, dropping a skyhook down to the balcony. 007 attaches the safe to it, then shimmies up the rope. The chopper takes off with cargo in tow, and Connery shouts to Leiter, "Keep her at a safe height!"


Funny and better than any of the writing in QoS. :)
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PostSubject: Re: What would his Bond do?   What would his Bond do? EmptyTue Feb 21, 2012 10:20 pm

Louis Armstrong wrote:

Connery
Suddenly the office door opens and Gumbold appears. Connery crouches behind the safe, then slowly raises the magazine's centrefold into the air. Gumbold is compelled by this, and he walks over in a trance. Then, while holding up the centrefold, Bond punches through the magazine right into Gumbold's jaw. The lawyer collapses, and Bond rises. He gazes at the woman on the spread and mumbles, "What a knockout."

This would've been, bar none, the greatest moment of the entire series. laugh
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