Would you tell your significant other how many others you've slept with?

So my friend at work calls me up with a 'problem' he has.

He met someone great. They've been dating, and it became something a bit more serious. He decided to lay his cards on the table and told her he's been with 4 other women. She on the other hand has been with at least 14 guys, give or take a one night stand or two. This is over a period of 10-15 years, and both are in their early 30s. He started at 21, she at 17.

He's now like that guy who sees pins sticking out of a cushion, sits on it, smiles, and pretends nothing is wrong. It is like corrosive acid eating away at his mind.

Since being with him, she has never slept around.

Why do guys feel intimidated when their girlfriends have had more sexual partners?

It's for this reason one of my other friends has not been straight about her past with her significant other. In some ways, I can't blame her.

I think it's bred into the male species, I don't know what to say...it IS intimidating.

It makes everything uncomfortable, unless you're far enough into a relationship. But when you're still in the 'fooling around' stage, I just find it off putting. I had a similar situation a few months back, when I started 'seeing' this girl from my work. I told her straight up I'd been with 3 other girls (leaving a couple out, she's the jealous type), and she proceeded to tell me that I was number 10...out of 14.

We had just done it a week ago....I think that kind of awkwardness speaks for itself, and it can kill relationships. After that point I always over-compensated by flirting with other girls in front of her, needless to say it drove her away instead of making her want me more. The same idea applies to men really.

Pretty simple question. No, and if they insisted, I'd lie.

Though really it'd depend on the type of girl.

Simple, I'd only tell her about the "slept withs" which took place during proper relationships, which would really reduce the amount for most people conquest-wise, myself included. No woman's gonna admit to all of her one night stands (as women make a big thing about not wanting to seem "easy"), so there's no way your new partner would ever find out about your one-night stands (unless you'd told all your mates about them, that is).

I'm with Vesper here. Say whatever you've got to say.

Then again, the man in this situation is "getting serious", as opposed to approaching the MILF at the end of the bar. Perhaps this advice doesn't exactly fit that "serious" situation.

Mr. Brown wrote:

I'm with Vesper here. Say whatever you've got to say.

Then again, the man in this situation is "getting serious", as opposed to approaching the MILF at the end of the bar. Perhaps this advice doesn't exactly fit that "serious" situation.

Yeah, I'm not exactly a "relationship" person, so my advice probably isn't the best here. There are girls I'm friends with and girls I fuck and it's fairly rare for those to intersect.

But I mean, were I in a relationship, I wouldn't find this to be that big a deal. Unless you're shit in the sack or you don't have sexual chemistry background stuff like this really shouldn't matter.

Unless they've got herpes.

The problem Dog Bond is describing has to do with the difference of perception between the two genders when it comes to number of sexual partners.

A man who has slept with a lot of different women is considered an alpha-male/virile stud. A woman who has done the same is a slut. And for some reason, men tend to prefer women with less sexual experience when it comes to making a long-term commitment.

In sort, they want to fool around with sluts but when it gets time to get serious, they all want a "saint". :shock:

DB, the problem is all your male friend's. If he truly likes and loves this girl and the fact that she has slept with 4 or 14 other men shouldn't matter. If it does bother him to this extent, either the attraction isn't as strong as he might think or he isn't ready for that kind of commitment yet.

Salomé wrote:

And for some reason, men tend to prefer women with less sexual experience when it comes to making a long-term commitment.

A man looks for different qualities in the potential mother of his children than her ability to deep throat. (Children are usually the reason a man makes a long-term commitment to a woman these days.) But to answer the question, when a woman asks such a prying question I take it to be a reliable indicator of a possessive and jealous nature. The only remedy is to place all your property in offshore trusts, immediately get two doctors' signatures, and have her committed.

In case I haven't made myself clear, any man who volunteers information about his own sexual history is asking for trouble.

ambler wrote:

Salomé wrote:

And for some reason, men tend to prefer women with less sexual experience when it comes to making a long-term commitment.

A man looks for different qualities in the potential mother of his children than her ability to deep throat.

Why would a woman who had 14 sexual partners by the age of 30 be less qualified to be a good mother than one who had just four?

And by the anecdotal proof of my own social circle, men tend to fret more over their partners sexual past (in terms of the number of sexual partners) than women. I never inquired into it myself. In the end it's just a number. The state in which their previous partners left them emotionally is far more important than the number of different partners. It only takes one bad relationship to seriously mess up a person.

No worries, Oppers.

Around here we don't see it as slutty... we see it as experienced. ;)

Plus, slutty's only bad if VDs are involved.

ambler wrote:

But to answer the question, when a woman asks such a prying question I take it to be a reliable indicator of a possessive and jealous nature.

In this instance, it was the guy who wanted to initiate a discussion about sexual history. Men can be even more insecure and paranoid when they realise they have been trumped. He's also not too pleased that she has remained friends with some of her sexual partners whereas he's completely detached from anyone he's been with.

ambler wrote:

But to answer the question, when a woman asks such a prying question I take it to be a reliable indicator of a possessive and jealous nature.

Exactly, I've found more often than not that's the case. Probably should've seen that coming....

Brown's right though, it's not a problem unless ::cough:: STD's come into the picture. Experience isn't something to be intimidated by unless you're insecure.

Salomé wrote:

Why would a woman who had 14 sexual partners by the age of 30 be less qualified to be a good mother than one who had just four?

Interesting answer, Ops. You've just turned 30, haven't you? :)

Salomé wrote:

In the end it's just a number.

I agree that there's no hard or fast rule with these things, but promiscuity can be a sign of low self esteem.

Mrs Aural Sects wrote:

it was the guy who wanted to initiate a discussion about sexual history. Men can be even more insecure and paranoid when they realise they have been trumped.

I stand by my original answer: don't tell, don't ask.

The relationships that last are those where some mystery remains.

ambler wrote:

The relationships that last are those where some mystery remains.

This.


I think it just stems from the fact that no man wants to fall in love with a whore, whether that even applies to the situation or not. I know people who have, and it's a game you can't win.

In my situation, it's a little different, as I was friends with my significant other throughout my marriage, during which time he got through about half a dozen women - some lasting longer than others. So we sort of knew it all anyway.

It's never been an issue. I can't honestly understand why it would be an issue. Although he's had more sexual partners than me, so I suppose it's rather different.

Although I'll confess I did get rather interested by his tales of his one-night stands. Maybe I'm weird, but the idea that women would drag him home and suck his brains out all night long kinda made me feel good, in a bizarre way :D

Of course, if they were to try that now, I'd break their skulls.

ambler, when you refer to promiscuity being a sign of low self-esteem I do hope you are being gender neutral.

I've known men to need to hit a number target to feel good about themselves... and I've known women to hit the same number target not because they needed to feel loved or wanted but because they liked sex - and for women, if you like sex, you can have as much of it as you want. :twisted:

I like to know the history of someone I'm with only because I don't like surprises. But I do think that it comes out naturally and at the the right time.

Funny thing is, my first long-term relationship was with a guy who had been married and had had two relationships between the marriage and his relationship with me (I never knew what was before the marriage). I, on the other hand, had only slept with one guy before him. That freaked him out. He wanted to know why I'd been so picky. He was scared I was saving myself and that I'd want to marry him. (We were together for 8 years and have been friends since the split 12 years ago. Some men make good boyfriends but they make great ex-boyfriends. :) )

I would think that a modern guy would want a women with some experience. How one handles their old relationships is a clue to how they will handle the current one.

retrokitty wrote:

ambler, when you refer to promiscuity being a sign of low self-esteem I do hope you are being gender neutral.

I didn't say that promiscuity is a sign of low self-esteem. I said it can be. An important difference.

And I hate to shatter your hopes and dreams, but I'm not 'gender neutral' - as you so inelegantly put it - about anything. I find political correctness repellent in all its many manifestations.

ambler wrote:

retrokitty wrote:

ambler, when you refer to promiscuity being a sign of low self-esteem I do hope you are being gender neutral.

I didn't say that promiscuity is a sign of low self-esteem. I said it can be. An important difference.

And I hate to shatter your hopes and dreams, but I'm not 'gender neutral' - as you so inelegantly put it - about anything. I find political correctness repellent in all its many manifestations.

I'm not interested in PC-ness. So what is your difference in appraisal of two promiscuous individuals, one being male and the other female? :D

I think it's how we behave with the one we're with that matters, and little more really. We've probably all done things we're not proud of at some time or other, things that are far better served just left in the past as long as they've no way of encroaching on the present. Life's too short to turn relationships into soap operas, which is something I dislike far more in some women than the amount of people they've slept with in the past (which is after all exactly that, the past). It's every man's job to make a relationship work by not giving a woman reason to be promiscuous or even a one-time cheat in a relationship, by basically just not treating her like sh*t at any point. And vice versa for the woman's role in the relationship.

ambler wrote:

retrokitty wrote:

ambler, when you refer to promiscuity being a sign of low self-esteem I do hope you are being gender neutral.

I didn't say that promiscuity is a sign of low self-esteem. I said it can be. An important difference.

And I hate to shatter your hopes and dreams, but I'm not 'gender neutral' - as you so inelegantly put it - about anything. I find political correctness repellent in all its many manifestations.

Sure, it can be a sign of low self-esteem... My question is then... Is promiscuity a sign of low self-esteem in only females or do you think that promiscuity in men is can be a sign of low self-esteem as well?

Well as I said on the previous page, there is obviously a double standard in play when it comes to that Kitty. There's not equivalent of the "boys being boys" defense for women. ;)