Ultimate Joke Thread

One evening, a woman and her husband were sitting on their front porch enjoying a bottle of wine together when the woman suddenly said, "I love you."

Surprised, her husband said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

"It's me," she replied. "talking to the wine."

I am a walking joke. I don't need to tell them.

Sharky wrote:

I am a walking joke. I don't need to tell them.

likewise but for an entirely different reason I suspect.

No jokes to contribute right now, they're all pilfered from stuff I've seen like Morecambe & Wise, Bilko...you name it. Etc

I only have really dirty jokes

Go on. Tell them!

Sharky wrote:

Go on. Tell them!

I don't want to get banned!

j7wild wrote:

Sharky wrote:

Go on. Tell them!

I don't want to get banned!

j7 - you posted a link to Stormfront, and all you got was a small warning. A few dirty jokes won't do anyone no harm.

stomfront?

what's that?

when?

You were only obeying orders, J7.

well, here's a joke some of you here can relate to on a personal level:

:lol!:

why do tampons have strings?

so you can floss your teeth after eating!

Woman to her husband - 'I bet you £10 you can't go a day without making a joke about my periods'.

Husband - 'You're on'.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarterpounder with cheese.

An Irishman is walking through the streets of Belfast when he suddenly feels the barrel of a gun prodding his lower back. A voice in his ear asks "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"

Thinking quickly, the man decides to get himself out of the situation and replies "Neither, I'm Jewish."

The voice then says "Then I must be the luckiest Palestinian in Ireland."

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There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her ten-to-one odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him five dollars, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her fifty dollars. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him five dollars. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down the hill with four legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the fifty dollars into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him five dollars.

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It was the first day of a school in America and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh fuck, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008 ."

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The American CIA, French GIGN and Soviet KGB are all assigned a test to see which of them is the best intelligence service in the world. A duck is tagged and released into a thick forest twenty-four hours before the test begins: the objective is for each of the agencies to find it was quickly as possible.

The CIA go into the forest and immediately start dividing the whole thing up into a vast grid and go over absolutely everything with a fine-toothed comb. They emerge two weeks later and state with the utmost certainty that the duck might have been there.

The GIGN are the next to go in, and start looking in every imagineable place for the duck. However, after two days and no results, the French burn the entire forest and everything in it to the ground. They're fairly certain they got the duck because the damn thing had it coming.

Then it's the KGB's turn, and the Russians immedaitely head deep into the forest. Everyone is on edge because of their reputation; after all, national pride is at stake here. Two hours after the enter, the KGB re-appear with a very bruised bear in tow shouting "Alright, alright, I'm a duck! I'm a duck!"

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There are two guys, Tim and Dan, who meet once a week down at the locl pub. Tim's your average guy, but Dan is prone to fads, which he proves when he arrives one day. He walks up to Tim and punches him with a loud "Hai-ya!"

"What was that all about?" Tim demands.

"That was Kung Fu, from China," Dan replies.

The next week, the same thing happens: Tim arrives early, and when Dan arrives, he kicks Tim.

"What is it this time?" Tim asks when he picks himself up.

"That was Tae Kwon Do, from Korea," is the explanation.

And again on the third week, Dan comes in and beats Tim up a little bit.

"That was Krav Maga, from Israel," Dan says before Tim can ask.

By now, Tim is a little fed up with Dan, but still goes to the pub the next week. Before Dan can do anything, Tim asks him to wait a moment. Dan agrees, before SMACK!, Tim hits him.

He then turns to the bartender and says "When my friend wakes up, tell him that was a shovel from Bunnings Hardware."

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A young man, fresh out of university, is going through Kenya when he comes across an elephant. It's standing up against a tree, with one of its feet raised in the air. Curious, the man approaches very carefully, and finds that the reason for the elephant's discomfort is a thorn the size of the man's thumb embedded in the sole of its foot. Deciding that this is his chance to do a good deed, the man tries to prise the thorn free, but it's stuck. Face with no other option and not wanting the elephant to continue to suffer, he takes out his hunting knife and very carefully digs the thorn out. As soon as its out, the elephant rather gingerly tests its foot, gives the man a look and trundles away. Feeling pleased with himself, the man continues on his trip through Kenya.

A few years later, he has taken a position at a zoo and has forgotten all about the elephant in Kenya. However, on his first day feeding inside their enclosure, an elephant seizes him with its trunk and driving him head-first into the gap between the railings around the encloure and starts violently twisting and turning him about, breaking almost every bone in his body. The man unfortunately dies of his injuries.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Prince Charles is visiting Australia for the first time and arrives in the middle of the scorching Australian summer. Strangely, however, he's wearing a fox-fur hat, the kind you might expect him to wear during an English winter. The Australian journalists take it in their stride as he continues to wear it despite being visibly uncomfortable until one plucky reporter asks him about it.

"Prince Charles," she says, "Why are you wearing a fox-fur hat?"

"Well," he replies. "I was talking to the Queen Mum about my trip and I was unsure of what to wear. When I told her I was coming to Australia, she said 'Where the fuck's that?' ..."

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One night a man is putting his daughter to bed when she says "Goonight mom, goodnight dad, goodnight Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." When he asks her what she just said and why, his daughter says "It just felt right". Thinking nothing of it, he turns the light out and leaves.

The next day, Grandpa dies.

Understandably, the man is a little worried, but he writes it off to coincidence when nothing else happens until a few months later when he puts his daughter to bed and she says "Goodnight mom, goodnight dad and good-bye Grandma."

The next day, Grandma dies.

By now, he's worked up and he spends the next few days worrying over it. After all, if his daughter is correct, he's next. Each night he puts her to bed, fearing her predictions, and a few months after Grandma's death the inevitable comes: "Goodnight mom and good-bye dad".

The next day, he gets up very early and drives very slowly to work. He locks himself inside his office and refuses to come out until well after midnight. He finally slouches home to find his worried wife waiting for him.

"Where have you been?" she asks as soon as she sees him.

"I'll tell you tomorrow," he says. "I've just had the worst day of my life!"

"You can talk ... the milkman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

This Egyptian fella pulled up right next to me as I walked along the pavement, beeped his car horn and bared his arse out of the window at me. When I angrily asked his name, he said 'Toot and car moon'.

Thang yew, thang yew ... I'm here all week, try the scampi.

Why is The Wizard Of Oz the ultimate chick flick?

'Cause it's basically about 2 women trying to kill each other over a pair of shoes.

j7wild

Salomé wrote:

j7wild

God help me I actually did laugh.

Salomé's avatars are all so goddamn butch and empowered.

Oppers for Oprah.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy of frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister.

'And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.

'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'


'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.

'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'


'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.

'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster Mother, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.

I creamed it.

The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'


'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.

'How unfortunate!

But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'


'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.

'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.

'And I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.


'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

Euro 2012/eurozone economic crisis joke -

i'm supporting Greece ... just like everybody else.

Why's Courtney Love like a hockey team?
Because they only change after three periods...