What Bond 24 should be like

What do you guys think. ;)

The Hildebrandt Rarity

The gunbarrel will iris out on to the desert of some unnamed Middle Eastern Country. *cough* Iran *cough* At a desert facility the security guards patrolling the perimeter (one of whom will be played by Miguel Sandoval) will become suspicious when they hear a jingle in the distance. With their guns ready they see the noise is coming from a cow. They guards start laughing while the cow moves closer to them. Suddenly a human arm comes from the cow and starts punching the guards out. The ‘cow’ removes its head to reveal: James Bond! He quips “Sorry to beHOOVE you!” while punching another guard. While fighting the other guards he will make more quips (“I’m just inspecting your MOOcular facility”, “Can you STEER me in the right direction”, “Gird your SIRloins”, etc.). After knocking out the last guard (Sandoval’s character) he takes off his costume to reveal what else but a tuxedo. He then quips “You are an UDDER disgrace.”

Using his piton gun he sneaks into the nuclear facility where he sets up a bomb. The guards spot him and a firefight breaks out. Eventually he runs onto an airfield and hijacks a jet fighter that is taking off by running up to it. The plant guards fire a SAM at Bond who also sees that there are four fighter jets coming at him from both directions. In addition he sees that he is running out of fuel since the firefight punctured the fuel tanks. He blows off the canopy and jumps on the missile. The other fighter jets crash into each other and blow up. Bond is able to aim the missile at the plant and jumps off it. The missile strikes the plant and blows it up. Bond is in freefall until he lands on a cloud. A hatch opens and he goes down to reveal that the cloud is in fact an MI6 craft. The operator Fellatia Titzase (Dakota Blue Richards) berates Bond for being late. Bond prepares a vodka martini and talks about how he set back the uranium enrichment process by several years. He then gets her in an embrace. Cut to the titles sequence. The title song “Hildebrandt Rarity” will be sung by Lady Gaga.

After the titles the film cuts to Rome. In the streets a man played by Warwick Davis is running through the streets in a panic. He eventually runs into an opera house when he covered by a swarm of bees.

In London Bond flirts with Miss Moneypenny (Helen Mirren) before going to meet M (John Hurt) and the Minister of Defence (Ian Holm) and is informed of the agent’s death by Africanized Honey Bees. Bond of course knows everything about killer bees. Said agent was investigating the effects of gamma rays on man-in-the-moon marigolds.

Bond meets Q (James Cromwell) and is given a car with missiles, oil slicks, etc. He is also given a bear costume with protection from bees and is equipped with a poison stinger and a gun. Other gadgets included a moose costume with antlers filled with missiles, laser watch and a special form of “protection.” Q is exasperated by Bond’s antics says “If you keep this up my barely repressed hostility will soon EXPRESS itself.”

He then goes to his flat and meets his housekeeper May (Maggie Smith) before leaving for Rome, but not before going to the casino to play baccarat.

Cut to Rome where he meets Interpol agent Aubergine (Jean Dujardin). He goes to the opera house and finds that the only witness to the death was a British expatriate played by Deanna Durbin. Bond meets her at her apartment and, what else, has sex with her. He finds a dead bee in her apartment. With Aubergine he finds that the bee was bred at an African bee hive run by Rimsky-Korsakov Industries (RKI).

In Africa he goes to the beehive, an all female facility, run by Miss Cummingwell (Leelee Sobiesky) and sleeps with her. Suspicious of the beehive he sneaks into it by using his bear costume. He finds designs for a giant wicker man to be used for human sacrifice. Then the bees are released and attack a group of wouldbee (haha) investors, among them Nic Cage. Still in his bear costume Bond beats up the female guards. He then confronts Cummingwell and dropkicks her several times. He quips “I’m still pretty MAD ABOUT YOU,” “This is AS GOOD AS IT GETS”, “people who live in GLASS HOUSES shoudn’t burn WICKER MEN.” “I’m going to COME and get you soon” etc. He uses the poison stinger to hit her in the mouth when she pulls a gun on his him. Turns out her open mouth is the right size for him…

He gets a new tip that leads him to the old heiress of RKI in Dussedolf (Luise Rainer). He sleeps with her, obviously. Turns out she sold the company to a multi-billionaire Evelyn Deville (Ben Stein). An attempt is made to kill Bond at Oktoberfest by a man in drag with poisoned breasts. He beats him/her up with a giant pretzel. He then is abducted by CIA agents dressed in lederhosen. At the safehouse (an unused sausage factory) he meets Felix Leiter (William Shatner) and Bond informs Leiter of his plan to confront Deville, annoy the shit out of him and hope that Deville will try to kill him which will prove that he is in fact evil.

Bond goes to Deville’s giant estate in the Brazilian rainforest. A giant party is being thrown for Deville as he announces his new social media device TWITBOOK. There Bond meets Deville’s henchpeople: his chauffeur Hans (Peter Dinklage), his fashion consultant Avon Calling (Lady Gaga, providing her own costumes), his body guard Redrum “Red” D’Eath (Elle Fanning) and his personal trainer Mr. Kyl (John Kyl). Bond calls the last Mr. Kill. Also he meets one of Deville’s business partners Miranda “Randy” Sloot (Kiera Knightley) who is at first standoffish towards Bond. Bond informs her that his favourite TV show is the BIG BANG theory and his favourite Book is Dickens’s HARD TIMES and he hopes to one day read GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

Bond starts to annoy the shit out of Deville, mentioning bees and such and showing off his knowledge of rare Brazilian plants and of course wine. He flirts with Avon Calling and Red D’Eath. He has sex with the former. Other guests include Snooki and the Situation.

Eventually Bond agrees to join Deville’s euchre game. Bond wins a lot of money from the high stakes euchre game. Deville says “I hope you spend your money wisely Mr. Bond, it may be your last.” Bond gives up the money in exchange for a dance with Sloot. She informs him that she is an undercover reporter and that Deville is secretly planning to change TWITBOOK all the time in order to annoy people and to distract people from the fact that he is going to buy the Hildebrandt Rarity.

Deville informs Calling and D’Eath that he wants them to let Bond and Sloot return to their hotel and kill them. Kyl asks if he thinks Bond is British Secret Service. Deville says he is but he wants Bond dead because he is extremely annoying and has very bad taste.

When Bond and Sloot retire to her hotel room and have sex when Sloot is killed by Red D’Eath through a poison custard pie to the face. She also releases a giant platypus to kill Bond. Bond kills it though.

A chase scene commences with Bond’s car destroying his pursuers. He meets Leiter and tells him that his plan worked and that Deville is evil. Bond then asks Leiter about the Hildebrandt Rarity. Turns out it is a rare meteorite found in Australia a century ago and its ownership is disputed by the two daughters of the finder.

Bond travels to Australia to find the estate of the Allcrooke (pronounced Ah Crikey) sisters (Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine). There he encounters Randy Sloot (Natalie Portman)! Turns out that the woman he thought was Randy was her sister Katharine “Catty” Sloot going under cover. The real Randy Sloot is also trying to buy the Hildebrandt Rarity for the FSB. Bond has sex with her. Then there is a scene where Bond boxes several kangaroos sent to kill him. He disguises himself as a moose to defeat an attempt the steal the Hildebrandt Rarity.

He meets the bickering Allcrooke sisters and has a threeway with them and they agree to let him have the Hildebrandt Rarity. After this victory he goes to his hotel to find Red D’Eath naked in his bed. Turns out she really wants Bond. He agrees and they have sex. During that act his penis is trapped in a device. Turns out Red D’Eath has prepared her own Vagina Dentata! Thanks to Q’s “protection” Bond’s manhood is saved. Alas D’Eath has also drugged his vodka martini and Bond collapses.

Bond wakes up to find that he and Randy Sloot have been captured by Evelyn Deville. At a lavish dinner with Deville, Bond and Sloot are informed of Deville’s sinister plan: he is funding his own lunar flight so he can write his own name on the Lunar Surface. With his name of the lunar surface the Earth will be too distracted twitting it on TWITBOOK that he will be able to take over the world.

For his lunar flight Deville has been able to get two famous guests to join him: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin! Michael Collins doesn’t count.

Deville leaves Bond and Sloot to be killed by being forced to watch the Quantum of Solace endlessly. They escape because Bond uses his laser watch. He has a fight with Kyl and kills him by throwing him into a piranha pit.

The two of them sneak on to one of Deville’s spacecraft. He of course wears a tuxedo beneath his spacesuit. Of the lunar they find that the moon in fact has a breathable atmosphere. Aldrin and Armstrong admit that they never knew because they were on a soundstage in Nevada and that a British secret agent stole their moonbuggy that they had just repainted.

Going underground Deville then meets the Selenite King (voiced by Edward Fox) and his Field Marshal (voiced by James Fox). This insectoid race lost their crown jewels in a meteorite centuries ago. That was the Hildebrandt Rarity and Deville acquired it so he can return it to Selenites in exchange for their cooperation. Also he brought Armstrong and Aldrin to the Selenites so they can be punished for their phony trespassing on the lunar surface.

Bond and Sloot sneak to the radio station and send an emergency message to Earth but are captured.

They are taken to the Selenite King and Deville. Turns out Deville in addition to writing his name on the name also is league with the Selenite King to use their Death Ray to blow up the Earth. The crown jewels are needed to power the weapon. The Selenite King is upset that the Earth blocks his view of Venus. The remaining humans will be used as slave labour.

While the Death Ray is being prepared to fire, Avon Calling begins to have doubts. “Earth has all my stuff!” she complains. Deville points out that she knew everything so why is she now having doubts? Then the Space Marines are launched and being to approach the lunar surface. The Selenite King orders his men to open fire.

She lets Bond and Sloot go and Avon Callings blows herself up which also causes the Selenite defenses to blow up. The Space Marines arrive and a big battle happens. They are lead by William Hung and Leiter and Aubergine are with him.

Leiter has a fistfight with the Selenite King, getting his shirt torn, before killing him. William Hung’s character uses his space laser to kill a bunch of baddies. Aubergine shoots a bunch of Selenites and their Field Marshal. Armstrong and Aldrin kick ass.

Bond follows Deville, with the death ray controller and button to set off the explosives to write his name, aboveground. A big low gravity fight occurs at the Apollo 11 landing site. The two jump in the air and through dust at each other, etc. Eventually Bond kills Deville by impaling him the American flag from Apollo 11.

Red D’Eath and Randy Sloot also have a big low gravity fight at the Death Ray. Eventually Sloot kicks D’Eath into the self-destruct mechanism, causing the Death Ray to blow up.

However before dying Deville has set a timer for the explosives that will write his name on the lunar surface. Bond finds the mechanism and beats up Hans when he attacks Bond. With 007 seconds left the timer is defused by Randy Sloot. The two embrace and Hans tries to jump them but misses and falls to his death in a crater.

Back on Earth, M, Moneypenny, the Minister of Defence and Q are listening to the reports of the Space marines returning back to earth. One craft is missing…

Bond and Sloot are busy making out in a spacecraft. Sloot informs them that they are running of oxygen and should call for help. Bond prefers sex.

Mission control has managed to get a worldwide internet hookup to the missing craft and see Bond and Sloot naked. Sloot throws her bikini top on the camera. M cringes and says “You can forget your pension” while Bond and Sloot disappear under the covers. Cut to credits.

For the end credits William Hung and William Shatner will sing a duet.

Almost but not quite on par with Sol Weinstein's oy-oy-seven novels. Then again this riffs on the movies, not the films.

I'm going to have to dig in the files now ... after I made a 25min Bond super8 parody in 76, YOU ONLY DIE THRICE, I wanted to do a much longer followup in 78 called MOONRIVER ... I remember it riffed on the Anthony Hopkins MAGIC (Savings Bond interrogating a ventriloquist by smacking around his dummy) and SUPERMAN (Bond ingeniously repurposes articulated sleeve fans provided by quartermaster -- intended to keep agent's hands from perspiring -- to turn himself into a glider when pitched from a copter.)

Ah, The Moore Era ... when no matter how silly your parody idea turned out to be (like overdosing the Earth on the lunar narcotic 'moondust' while you surveyed the calamity from your bonaventure hotel like space station), you'd see Eon had managed to go a bridge too far out.

Lots of midgets. I approve.

trevanian wrote:

Almost but not quite on par with Sol Weinstein's oy-oy-seven novels.

Had to Google this. Bloody 'ell, I once thought of writing a Jew-y James Bond spoof called Oy Oy Seven... had no idea some inconsiderate bastard had already done it.

Back in the 90s, I kept trying to figure a way to get Jerry Seinfeld to read these things ... he could have probably gotten an Israel Bond film made, maybe before AUSTIN POWERS.

LOXFINGER is the first book and it has the most laughs (Bond driving a Rambler, a girl's rosebud nipples reminding Bond of his old sled), but MATZOHBALL has its moments as well.

I used to have a copy of Loxfinger, but my ex-girlfriend made off with it when we broke up (a small price to pay, I suppose...).

I've never read Matzoball, but I have pt 1 of In the Service of His Majesty, the Queen in an old Playboy.

As you say, Mr. T, it's Loxfinger that has the laughs.

(I've also read Weinstein's The Oddfather, about the Jewish mafia. In the middle of the climactic car chase, our hero crosses paths with Bullit in the middle of his climactic car chase!)

Enough of the dark, broody, physical wreck/tortured Bond....

Craig's done it 3 times so far....

Get an eyes only file, get out there and do it with some of the old formula....I'm starting to miss it.

I'm beginning to wonder if Craig is a one-trick pony in this regard. I mean, Dalton could be pissed off and dangerous, but then laugh like the dickens after a set-piece and narrow escape. Craig seems to be playing DOUR & DOURER.

If they follow the Batman template, I guess they will have to bring Selina Kyle into the next Bond to get him to relax a little and sip his coffee in a cafe.

trevanian wrote:

I'm beginning to wonder if Craig is a one-trick pony in this regard. I mean, Dalton could be pissed off and dangerous, but then laugh like the dickens after a set-piece and narrow escape.

Craig's humour in SKYFALL is a bit more than subtle than Dalton's mad cackling.

Largo's Shark wrote:

trevanian wrote:

I'm beginning to wonder if Craig is a one-trick pony in this regard. I mean, Dalton could be pissed off and dangerous, but then laugh like the dickens after a set-piece and narrow escape.

Craig's humour in SKYFALL is a bit more than subtle than Dalton's mad cackling.

This is the humor that keeps being described as Roger Moore-like? THAT kind of subtle I don't need.

trevanian wrote:

I'm beginning to wonder if Craig is a one-trick pony in this regard. I mean, Dalton could be pissed off and dangerous, but then laugh like the dickens after a set-piece and narrow escape.

And heaven forbid if Brosnan did that in TND.

Broz sounded like a little kid during that BMW RC bit, and what was worse, that was DURING the action, not after. A hearty laugh AFTER makes sense, because you're celebrating survival. Laughing during just interferes with what's going on, like getting an asthma attack while frenching.

It should be the end of the Quantum trilogy, plus the presentation of a new menace, like in For Your Eyes Only in which in the pre-title sequence they kind of settled down the matter concerning Blofeld. Or it'd be lovely if they use the original idea of The Spy Who Loved Me, you know, a third-party attacking Quantum. And I'm just saying.