What would his Bond do?

Bond enters room 602 of Hong Kong's Peninsula Hotel and finds Miss Anders in the shower.

CONNERY reaches in, turns the hot water up full, then slugs her as she tries to jump out. Then he pulls up a chair and waits for her to wake up. When she does he tosses her a pair of shoes, twists her arm up behind her back and frog-marches her into the bedroom where he bitch-slaps her onto the bed. By this time she can resist him no longer and she gives him a thorough description of Scaramanga before he agrees to shag her. Afterwards he threatens to tell Scaramanga about her indiscretions unless she clams up.

LAZENBY banters with her for a moment, biding his time until she's out of the shower before snatching her wrist and shaking the gun out her hand. He slaps her once, then throws her clothes at her and tells her to get dressed. By this time she is intrigued, and entices him over to the bed by offering a partial description of Scaramanga. Lazenby senses that she's in some kind of trouble, but she sticks to the business at hand. When Laz wakes up she is gone, but she's left him two golden bullets as 'payment in full.'

DALTON gazes at the translucent image wistfully, then announces his presence. Miss Anders steps out, gun in hand and demands a towel. Dalton hands it to her and turns around like a gentleman, avoiding catching her reflection in the mirrors. As she reaches for the phone he says something in Chinese, and tell her that it means 'beautiful.' He examines the bullets in the cigarette pack, snarls something about strawberry jam and lunges for the gun. He pins her to the bed and accuses her of 'working for them!' She denies this, and admits that she sent him the first bullet. They apologize to each other, then work together to figure out a way to bring Scaramanga down. He calls Q and asks him to bring the green Rolls around.

BROSNAN says "Good afternoon" but it comes off sounding trite. When Miss Anders steps out, gun in hand he says "a water pistol?" but that too sounds lame. He shouts angrily at her as he takes the gun, but after he knocks her onto the bed he hangs over her in a mournful pose for a moment. As he twists her arm he makes a pain face. Eventually she gives him a description of Scaramanga and he pours her a drink, quipping "Bottoms up." She throws the drink in his face and he asks "Was it something I said?"

CRAIG smashes through the shower door, sending splinters flying. One nicks Miss Anders' hand, so he sits down beside her and sucks her fingers for a while. Finally he asks her about Scaramanga, and when she asks him why he hasn't tried to shag her he says "I am motivated by my duty." and dives out the window.

Bond meets Henderson in You Only Live Twice

Lazenby

"Hello, I'm Sir Hilary Bray, College of Arms" Bond pauses and justures to Henderson's cane, "may I?" Henderson nods and hands Bond his cane. He holds the cane for a moment, suddenly as he's about to whack the cane on Henderson's wooden leg, the film speeds up aggressively at an almost unnatural and comical manner. "Guns make me nervous" says Bond, confusing Henderson for a moment before proceeding to talk shop.

Moore

Bond walks into the Henderson's room and looks around examining the silence. "Hello there", Bond swiftly turns to see the lovely Miss Henderson lying on a couch naked with only her top and knickers. Bond approaches her with a great smile "Good evening Miss Henderson, I have some information I want, among other things-", something catches Bond's eye. The lady has a wooden leg. "I lost that in Singapore" she says slightly embarrassed, "I hope that doesn't trouble you." "On the contrary, Miss Henderson", Bond cocks his eyebrow, "Easier access."

Dalton

Wearing only a wetsuit for an inexplicable reason, James Bond proceeds to sneak into the residence of a Mr. Henderson, but not before being briefly frightened by a pigeon that flies right over his face. Slightly shaken, he continues to move into the home. Bond spots a guard in front of the entrance and mouths an obscenity to himself before feeling for his pocket. He takes an object out and throws it in front of the guard. The guard is suddenly alerted "who goes there?!" The guard's ear catches something, it's a whistle. Suddenly stun gas explodes in front of the guard, disorientating him before Bond rushed towards him and knocks him out cold. Bond opens the front entrance and proceeds through the corridor. He hears an inexplicable sound. Is it gunfire? No, it's tiny explosives. What the hell? Bond approaches closer to the sound behind a door, slowly opens it and finds Mr. Henderson playing with his toy army models. Bond slowly creeps behind Henderson and swiftly grabs him by the throat, placing a sharp knife up the man's jugular "make a sound, and you're dead". Bond kicks Henderson's lower leg hard, which causes the leg to fall off and reveal itself as wooden stump. "You got the boot."

Brosnan

Bond is guided by a beauty to the room Mr. Henderson is residing. Before opening the door, Bond notices his hand has a moisture that's fizzling out. Bond screams "STOOOOOOOOOOOP" and an explosion occurs within the room, blasting the door out and throwing Bond against the wall. Bond looks to his left and sees the same girl making a run for, he goes right after her. Bond runs outside and sees the girl speeding out in a Ford Thunderbird, Bond jumps into his BMW to catch her as David Arnold's techno rendition of the James Bond theme blasts in a repetitive fashion. As his car slowly creeps to her's, Bond presses a button next to the shift stick. A forklift appears from under Bond's BMW, lifting up the lady's car on his right. "YOU CAUNT GET AWAY! TELL ME WHO YAH WOUKING FOAAAHH!!! I CAUN PROTECT YOU!!! DOYOUUNDERSTANDME!!!! I CAN PROTECT YOU!!!!" Without realizing, Bond is speeding toward the edge of the cliff. Bond tries to stop his car but it's too late, both cars crash off the side of the cliff. Bond uses the car's emergency ejector to fly out of his vehicle. While falling, Bond's chair turns into a jet pack and lands him to safety, but only after both cars have digitally exploded. Bond heavily catches his breath, ending the scene with David Arnold's melodramatic piano play.

Craig

Bond crashes through the paper wall in Henderson's room. Confused, he tries to ask Bond what's going on but is interrupted as Bond grabs him by the back of his shirt and drags him across the room. Guards with machine guns start blazing through shooting up the room. Armed only with an outdated PPK, Bond only shoots up pipes that blow out steam, throwing the guards off. Bond pushes Henderson out of the window, only to realize they're still on the second floor. He looks down to see the lifeless body of Henderson on the concrete. Bond escapes by parkour. Finally in the clear, he takes out his mobile phone to contact M. "Henderson was a dead end", M replies "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO QUESTION HIM NOT TO KILLHIM!!! RAWR RAWR RAWR!!!!!" Bond hangs up his phone and throws it in a waste bin.

Pretty good.

Bond meets 15 yr old Bibi Dahl in his hotel room in Cortina.

Connery. *slap*

Lazenby. This never happened to the other fellow.

Moore: I'll buy you an ice-cream.

Dalton: Put those panties back on. You scared the living daylights out of me.

Brosnan. You like....boys with toys.

Craig: The bitch is dead.

Enjoying these. Lols all around.

Connery in the CR torture scene -

Le Chiffre swings the rope ... on contact with Bond's balls, it disintegrates.

Bond (barely audibly) - 'Ouch'.

Le Chiffre weeps blood ... and then wets himself.

What would his Brosnan do?

Brosnan waits for Dent's night-time ambush in Dr No...
Bond sits down, opens his cellphone, and uses it to drive his remote-controlled family sedan in circles around Miss Taro's house. Suddenly the bedroom door bursts open and machine-gun fire decimates the pillows arranged on the bed. Dent steps into the room, prompting Bond to bellow, "You've blown your load!" Dent whirls around. Brosnan, shaking with intensity, lifts his pistol and whispers: "I keep mine cocked at all times." He opens fire and Dent collapses. Bond then presses the Walther's silencer to his lips and smooths his hair back. He walks to the bed, leaning over to fondle the perforated pillows. He buries his face in the bed for ten minutes before straightening his tie and summoning his BMW. As he leaves, Bond turns in the doorway to face Dent's body. "Don't forget to write."

Brosnan stops on the roadside at the end of On Her Majesty's Secret Service...
Bullets riddle Bond's car and Tracy is killed. Brosnan kisses and bites her shoulder to the strains of some John Barry pastiche. The camera focuses on the hole in the Aston's windshield, when Bond suddenly sits up. Noticing the damage, he shouts, "Q's not gonna like this!" He hits the accelerator, then activates the ejector seat. Tracy blasts through the sunroof and over the mountainside as Brosnan remarks, "She always knew how to make an exit." M radios Bond to ask what happened. "She had all the flight in the world," he quips, before chasing Blofeld into a dumbass American action-movie epilogue.

Brosnan finds Andrea Anders showering in The Man with the Golden Gun...
Bond enters Andrea's bathroom, sporting a gun and thick black turtleneck. He saunters over to the shower door and places a hand on it, pressing his gadget ring against the frosted glass. A high-pitched noise pierces the air and the door shatters. Brosnan looks Andrea up and down, breathing like a horny asthmatic 15-year-old. "Oh, forgive me," he breathes. He tosses a towel to Andrea; she brandishes a gun. Bond smacks his lips. "I don't like using protection in the shower. Now. I propose..." - he holds up the ring and gently lowers her gun - "that we disarm the situation. Mm?" Andrea slaps him. "Mmm," Bond bristles, "I'm willing to turn the other cheek if you are."

Brosnan fights Necros on the plane in The Living Daylights...
Necros interrupts Bond's search for the bomb, instigating techno and painface. Kara accidentally opens the cargo hatch. "SHUT THE DOOR KARA, THERE'S A DRAHFT!" The plane enters a nosedive, and Kara joins Bond at the back. They jump from the plane as it explodes. Bond catches Kara mid-fall, then pulls a ripcord on his jacket. A giant inflatable bubble surrounds them. "Amazing how a situation can blow up like that!" he yells. Bond then grabs Kara's shoulders and shakes her around. "Look at me look at me, look at my eyes, look at my eyes LOOK AT MY EYES you're all right, everything's all right, trust me... okay. Listen to me. I know a great restaurant in Karachi."

Brosnan tries to rescue Vesper from the sinking house in Casino Royale...
About the same.

You've nailed the Brozzer.

Louis Armstrong wrote:

Brosnan stops on the roadside at the end of On Her Majesty's Secret Service...
Bullets riddle Bond's car and Tracy is killed. Brosnan kisses and bites her shoulder to the strains of some John Barry pastiche. The camera focuses on the hole in the Aston's windshield, when Bond suddenly sits up. Noticing the damage, he shouts, "Q's not gonna like this!" He hits the accelerator, then activates the ejector seat. Tracy blasts through the sunroof and over the mountainside as Brosnan remarks, "She always knew how to make an exit." M radios Bond to ask what happened. "She had all the flight in the world," he quips, before chasing Blofeld into a dumbass American action-movie epilogue.

I want this filmed. Now.

Pierce Brosnan in GOLDFINGER...

Bond is restrained upon a table as a laser slowly creeps up between his legs, ready to slice our hero in two. Bond grunts and painfaces as he watches the laser approach his nether region.

"Looks like you've blown your last load, 007," taunts Auric Goldfinger (played by Robert Carlyle). "Welcome to my impotent family."

Bond's painface eases as an idea comes to mind. "You haven't counted on my... back-up plan."

Suddenly a rocket shoots out of Bond's arse (standard Q-branch suppository) and hits the laser, causing it to conveniently slice off Bond's hand and foot restraints and nothing more. Bond leaps up as the laser beam goes crazy and starts slicing up everything in the room except for Goldfinger and himself. The pair engage in a brutally hilarious fist-fight, culminating in Goldfinger strangling Bond, eliciting a painface every victim of chronic constipation would recognise.

"One... last... screw," mumbles Bond, right before kneeing Goldfinger in the goolies and tilting his head just in time as the manic laser beams into Goldfinger's open mouth.

Bond switches the laser off as Pussy Galore (played by Denise Richards) jogs into the room in a tank top sans bra. "What happened to Goldfinger?" she asks.

"I gave him a mouthful," Bond replies with a thick layer of schoolboy smarm. "Now it's your turn."

Louis Armstrong wrote:

Necros interrupts Bond's search for the bomb, instigating techno and painface.

Brosnan tries to rescue Vesper from the sinking house in Casino Royale...
About the same.

Brilliant stuff there, Satchmo.

Glad you liked it Lazenby :)

CJB wrote:

"Welcome to my impotent family."

Bond's painface eases as an idea comes to mind. "You haven't counted on my... back-up plan."

"I gave him a mouthful," Bond replies with a thick layer of schoolboy smarm. "Now it's your turn."

Lmao.

CJB wrote:

The pair engage in a brutally hilarious fist-fight, culminating in Goldfinger strangling Bond, eliciting a painface every victim of chronic constipation would recognise.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hK9PBcRM9c&t=2m30s
Best fight scene ever. Renard's neck looks really hard to break.

Very good Louis and Brown

"Suddenly, a rocket shoots out of Bond's arse"

Moore in the DN 'tarantula in the bed' scene -

'Eight legs are so much better than two, I find' quips Moore, eyebrow cocked.

They shag.

TedHeath wrote:

Louis Armstrong wrote:

Brosnan stops on the roadside at the end of On Her Majesty's Secret Service...
Bullets riddle Bond's car and Tracy is killed. Brosnan kisses and bites her shoulder to the strains of some John Barry pastiche. The camera focuses on the hole in the Aston's windshield, when Bond suddenly sits up. Noticing the damage, he shouts, "Q's not gonna like this!" He hits the accelerator, then activates the ejector seat. Tracy blasts through the sunroof and over the mountainside as Brosnan remarks, "She always knew how to make an exit." M radios Bond to ask what happened. "She had all the flight in the world," he quips, before chasing Blofeld into a dumbass American action-movie epilogue.

I want this filmed. Now.

EON sort of did. The way Bond handled Mathis' body in QOS....tossing him in a dumpster....makes me kind of think Craig's Bond would do something similar like that to Tracy. And, incidentally, I think that scene with Mathis turned off A LOT of Bond fans. A lot. Probably another reason why QOS has such a rancid reputation.

I could also see Brosnan uttering an alternative line to "We all have to pay the piper" from TWINE like this: "Torch song trilogy, Q?"

"Tee Hee, at the first wrong answer, snip the little finger from Mr. Bond's right hand."

SEAN: Tee Hee's claw shatters. Bond says "Thank you for the demonstration," stands up, chair still clamped to him, spins around and beats everyone in the room senseless with it.

GEORGE: Ditto, minus the dialogue and in half the time.

TIMOTHY: Looks so soulfully at Solitaire that she feels her psychic power returning. Trusting her instincts, she gives the correct answer. Kananga mutters "women!" and lets him go.

PIERCE: Starts making pain faces before Tee Hee's claw is even in position. Kananga mutters "women!" and lets him go.

DANIEL: Gains control of the situation by mocking Kananga and Tee Hee. Loses three fingers before Felix arrives and shoots them. Sucks the blood from the stumps and sews the fingers back on himself.

BARRY: Same as Pierce, only with his toes.

AMC Hornet wrote:

DANIEL: Gains control of the situation by mocking Kananga and Tee Hee. Loses three fingers before Felix arrives and shoots them. Sucks the blood from the stumps and sews the fingers back on himself.

"Looks like all that's left is my smile, my thumb and my little finger..."

FieldsMan wrote:

AMC Hornet wrote:

DANIEL: Gains control of the situation by mocking Kananga and Tee Hee. Loses three fingers before Felix arrives and shoots them. Sucks the blood from the stumps and sews the fingers back on himself.

"Looks like all that's left is my smile, my thumb and my little finger..."

:twisted:

Bond is tortured by Le Chiffre in Casino Royale...

Connery
Bond is nude and bound to a chair. "It's the simplest thing to cause more pain than a man can possibly endure," Le Chiffre says. Connery replies: "Well enjoy yourself." Le Chiffre beats Bond, then kicks the chair over. "I'll feed you what you seem not to value." Suddenly Le Chiffre's hand is caught in a mousetrap taped to Bond's taint. 007 kicks his captor in the face, knocking him out instantly. Mr White bursts in, only to find Connery has righted the chair and is making out with his arm. Bond then propels himself across the room and slams the chair into Mr White, who crashes to the floor. Connery breaks the chair's ropes and stands. "A bit below the belt, gentlemen," he says, strolling out.

Lazenby
Lazenby is tied to a bottomless chair, his kilt providing easy access to his manhood. Le Chiffre swings the rope, but Bond kicks back and breaks the chair against a wall. The rope swings up and shatters the lightbulb. The sound of a drum kit crashing down stairs is heard as Bond and Le Chiffre engage in hostilities. Suddenly, psychedelic lights come on and Lazenby freezes. Le Chiffre cuts off Bond's testicles and stuffs them in 007's mouth. "You will learn to love balls," says a creepy disembodied voice. Lazenby chews heartily, saying with a full mouth, "Mm, balls... south of the waistline!"

Moore
Moore is undressed and tied up. Le Chiffre notices Bond is wearing a third nipple. He rips it off and crushes the tracking chip inside. "I see you like to keep abreast of things," Bond says. "So, how do you kill five hours in Montenegro, if you don't play poker...?" Le Chiffre unrolls a rope, and Moore cocks an eyebrow. A small surveillance robot enters the room and wheels up to Bond's chair. (We then cut to Q viewing Bond's "situation" rather voyeuristically.) Le Chiffre swings the rope back and forth as a single bead of sweat appears on Bond's temple. Suddenly a bewildered Frederick Gray and M enter. Q bumbles in and shoots a knock-out dart into the villain's forehead. "What happened?" M demands. Moore lifts both eyebrows. "Le Chiffre doesn't beat around the bush." A disco version of 'You Know My Name' plays and the credits roll.

Dalton
Le Chiffre beats Bond's manhood. "Watch the balls, you bastard," Dalton seethes. Le Chiffre leans in to taunt Bond, but instead receives a sharp headbutt to the face. He stumbles, then lunges at Bond with a giant decorative swordfish. Bond tips his chair forward, allowing the ropes to be cut by the swordfish. He suddenly hears footsteps and rips Le Chiffre's clothes off. Mathis enters - but Dalton swipes his gun, shoots Le Chiffre, then spins around to interrogate his guest. Mathis pleads innocence, right before 007 passes out. Dalton wakes in the hospital, only to find Vesper attending bedside. He throws her down onto the bed and presses a pistol to her neck. "You're working for them!" he says. Vesper delves into a long-winded explanation involving armour and little fingers, but Dalton doesn't buy it and sends her back to M... in the diplomatic bag.

Brosnan
"All I need is the password," Le Chiffre says. Brosnan groans from the ball-beating, then adopts a suave tone. "You and me, Le Chiffre - a number against a number in a deadly equation. Believe me... your days are numbered." Le Chiffre's eye starts bleeding. He flies into a rage, strapping on a Robocop suit and seizing Bond's balls. He turns on the electricity. Brosnan bares more teeth than previously thought possible. Bond then grabs his own dick and inexplicably begins wrestling with it. Suddenly, we cut to Brosnan jiggling the joystick on a Q-Branch machine. John Cleese walks in and hits a button on 007's virtual reality glasses. The simulation ends, and the final guitar chord of the James Bond theme rings out. "Rather hard, isn't it?" Cleese asks. Brosnan straightens his tie and touches his lips. "Oh, I never miss a beat."

Up until the Robocop suit, I can picture the Brosnan one actually working as a 'proper' scene.

Please delete

If you think Brosnan's been made fun of too much, then spread the love! Every Bond is fair game. :)

Bond meets the new Moneypenny in GoldenEye...

Connery
Bond tosses his hat at the coat hanger. Moneypenny rushes over, and the hat lands on her head. "You may be wearing the hat, Moneypenny, but I'm still wearing the pants," Bond says. She replies, "Not if I have something to say about it." Connery pauses in the doorway to M's office and smiles. "I haven't thrown my pants at you yet."

Lazenby
Bond finally makes good on his innuendoes and proposes. Moneypenny takes the ring, says, "I know exactly where to put that," and throws it in the garbage. Lazenby resigns.

Moore
"What would I ever do without you?" Moore coos. Moneypenny: "As far as I can remember, James, you've never had me." He cocks an eyebrow. "Hope springs eternal - amongst other things." Moneypenny mentions sexual harassment, to which Bond replies, "Don't bring the law into this. I've always been an upstanding citizen." Moore uses his magnetic watch to unzip her dress. He leans in and says, "Miss Moneypenny, a part of the women's movement? Don't worry. I'm a long-standing member."

Dalton
"I've never seen you after-hours, Moneypenny," Bond says. He pulls out a pair of oversized glasses and places them crookedly on her face. "Kheista. It means beautiful... in Afghan." He pats her on the bum and walks away. Moneypenny sighs. "You always were an anal linguist, James."

Craig
"Good evening, 007," Moneypenny says. Craig stares at her intensely, then slams her face into a desk. He grabs her hair and drags her across the room, shooting up the ceiling as he goes. He kicks down M's door and holds Moneypenny at gunpoint. "How does your secretary know my codename?" he asks. M shouts, "For God's sake! I let her borrow my iPhone over lunch!'"

Louis Armstrong wrote:

Suddenly, psychedelic lights come on and Lazenby freezes. Le Chiffre cuts off Bond's testicles and stuffs them in 007's mouth. "You will learn to love balls," says a creepy disembodied voice.

Louis Armstrong wrote:

Craig
"Good evening, 007," Moneypenny says. Craig stares at her intensely, then slams her face into a desk. He grabs her hair and drags her across the room, shooting up the ceiling as he goes. He kicks down M's door and holds Moneypenny at gunpoint. "How does your secretary know my codename?" he asks. M shouts, "For God's sake! I let her borrow my iPhone over lunch!'"

Spitting up my coffee on that one, just for the 'slams her face into a desk.' Tears coming out of my eyes on 'shooting up the ceiling as he goes.'

Even made me laugh on the second read-through. CHOICE!

Vesper gives Bond his dinner jacket.


Connery

Bond, asks in a bored manner "How did you get a tailored shuit for me?" Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond shrugs off the odd reply and embraces her. "Is that all you can do?" he asks. Vesper smiles and kisses him, as they make out, Bond notices a reflection in her eye, turns around and uses her as a human shield as a goon is about to attack Bond. He throws him into the tub and as the goon grabs for his gun Bond quickly tosses Vesper's blow dryer into the tub and shocks the goon to death. Bond puts on his dinner jacket, looks at Vesper still shaken up and dully quips "I figured you blew".

Lazenby

Bond asks, "How did you get a tailored suit for me?" She replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond, deeply touched, walks up to her and embraces her. "I'll never meet another girl like you..." Bond says tenderly, then asks "Will you marry me?"

Moore

"Just how did you get a suit tailored for me?", asks Bond. Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond, smirks and cocks his eyebrow, "Is that all you sized up?" Vesper blushes and they start to make out, heading for the bedroom to shag.

Dalton

Bond asks,"how did you? It's tailored." Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Immediately suspicious of Vesper, he assumes she's a double agent and storms into the bathroom as she's doing her makeup. Grabbing her by the arm, he drags her into the bedroom, throwing her on top of the bed. Vesper cries "What the hell is the matter with you?!" He pulls out his PPK and presses it against her face "Nobody could actually size up someone by sight, so it's only possible you got the info from the enemy, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THEM!" Vesper cries "No!" Bond viciously spits out "I WANT THE TRUTH!" then cocks his gun. Vesper surrenders and admits that she's working for the organization behind Le Chiffre. Bond, suddenly paranoid about the entire operation, runs straight to the window and looks down outside, preparing to jump out. He looks back at Vesper then overacts "TIME TO LEAVE!" as he jumps out and makes a run for it.

Brosnan

Bond guesses that Vesper used a gadget to size him up. Doesn't bother to ask as he's busy applying his L'Oreal for men products.