What would his Bond do?

In honour of Honor.

Bond meets Pussy Galore
Lazenby
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Lazenby: Just like Piz Gloria. The work is stacking up indeed.

Moore
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Moore: Really? [cocks eyebrow].

Dalton
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Dalton [covering his crotch]: Watch the birdie you bastard. You'll make strawberry jam of him!

Brosnan
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
[pause]
Brosnan: I'm sorry, the cat's got my tongue.

Craig
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Craig [pulling out phone]. Name check. Pussy Galore. Take her in. Torture her and find out her real name. Worst that can happen is you'll buy her a house. *Mumbles*... Better that than me sleeping with her and she dies. If she consents of course. This is the 21st century.

I'll take a crack at it as well:

Bond meets Pussy Galore
Lazenby
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Lazenby: (cocky smile) Indubitably. I'll take that if you don't mind.

Moore
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Moore: (Brow goes up) Rather a sweeping statement considering we've never met. They shag. Pussy immediately says: "Fancy a trip to a private island, handsome?" Moore: "Why not?"

Dalton
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Dalton: (bemused) What's that supposed to mean?
Suddenly there's a dramatic fight between Dalton and an assailant which Bond wins but before lapsing into unconsciousness he desperately shouts to Pussy: "You're working with them-listen to me!" Pussy turns plane around to head toward authorities. Bond wakes up tells her to leave Goldfinger and that he will leave soon but he has unfinished business. Later she waits for Bond but is met by Moneypenny who is worried about James and they team up to kick ass and save him and commiserate about being involved with Bond over drinks. Many drinks.

Brosnan
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
[pause]
Brosnan: And I thought Christmas only comes once a year...they shag...but in mid shag there's a fight with DAD climax references because Pussy dons a Robocop suit and Brozzer has red faced Painface. Goldfinger appears but pulls off his disguise to reveal he's actually M and this was an elaborate training exercise in the VR room. Bond turns: "If you were Goldfinger then who was..." R appears very fussily with tousled hair and a look of incomprehension..."May I REMIND YOU 007!" Brozzer: "Oh dear, I'd heard about the budget cuts."

Craig
Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore
Craig: Stares intently with furious pout. Does not comprehend situation and contacts MI6 on phone. Back and forth babbling ensues.
Meanwhile Pussy eventually makes a face and leaves.
Craig then finally gets orders straight and understood and turns to find empty plane cabin. He stares longer then punches the armchair until stuffing comes out. Then comes the emotional scene where he mumbles revelations to himself and cries a bit for no reason.
Pussy comes back says: "to hell with this", straps herself in and shoots the window which sucks Craig into space.

Goldfinger actually being M belongs to Craig's era - c'mon HGTB!

Otherwise, very good!

Inspired by the CR thread,
Presented with DAD's Vanish Vanquish:

Connery:
"Why doesn't it fly too?" Punches key fob and says: Embarking upon mission with great effort. Precedes to shag the main gal while invisible car performs mission on autopilot. End credits.

Lazenby:
Bemusedly: Where did I put that book? I had it somewhere...then finds an entire squadron of gals in the backseat of invisible car. Q: thought you'd pay a little more attention....Aston roars off.

Moore:
Eyebrow goes up. If it has Bollinger '69 it expected me. Car raises hood eyebrow above headlight in salute.

Dalton:
In utter disgust Bond blows cigarette smoke and walks out of Q Branch without saying a word. Ten minutes later the villain is thrown on MI6's doorstep, bruised and beaten, tied up from head to foot with Bond's detailed field report and resignation. Penny asks what happened and Bond can only reply with pure scathing frustration: Looks like it's a dead end here.
He sighs whilst dropping by to listen to Barry Manilow and think about life and death.

Brozzer for real: PAINFACE FACEPALM

Craig: Looks angry for no reason, ignores instructions, cuts off Q and demands the key. Then preceeds to not be able to find car door without using his phone to contact MI6, trips over front end of car, angrily gets in, slams door squeals tires and leaves.

When the car is meant to be used in an action scene he slams and punches random buttons breaking the console and the car auto destructs. Zao looks on incredulously. End titles.

This wonderful little thread. I had to revisit the previous pages. My god, so many are good howlers to this day. Fun to revisit all this time, including ones I wrote 8 years ago (!!!).

Of the ones I submitted, these may be my very favorite, particularly the bolded ones. Looking back, I think writing Moore into the other films was the most fun

Makeshift Python wrote:

Bond meets Henderson in You Only Live Twice

Lazenby

"Hello, I'm Sir Hilary Bray, College of Arms" Bond pauses and justures to Henderson's cane, "may I?" Henderson nods and hands Bond his cane. He holds the cane for a moment, suddenly as he's about to whack the cane on Henderson's wooden leg, the film speeds up aggressively at an almost unnatural and comical manner. "Guns make me nervous" says Bond, confusing Henderson for a moment before proceeding to talk shop.

Moore

Bond walks into the Henderson's room and looks around examining the silence. "Hello there", Bond swiftly turns to see the lovely Miss Henderson lying on a couch naked with only her top and knickers. Bond approaches her with a great smile "Good evening Miss Henderson, I have some information I want, among other things-", something catches Bond's eye. The lady has a wooden leg. "I lost that in Singapore" she says slightly embarrassed, "I hope that doesn't trouble you." "On the contrary, Miss Henderson", Bond cocks his eyebrow, "Easier access."

Dalton

Wearing only a wetsuit for an inexplicable reason, James Bond proceeds to sneak into the residence of a Mr. Henderson, but not before being briefly frightened by a pigeon that flies right over his face. Slightly shaken, he continues to move into the home. Bond spots a guard in front of the entrance and mouths an obscenity to himself before feeling for his pocket. He takes an object out and throws it in front of the guard. The guard is suddenly alerted "who goes there?!" The guard's ear catches something, it's a whistle. Suddenly stun gas explodes in front of the guard, disorientating him before Bond rushed towards him and knocks him out cold. Bond opens the front entrance and proceeds through the corridor. He hears an inexplicable sound. Is it gunfire? No, it's tiny explosives. What the hell? Bond approaches closer to the sound behind a door, slowly opens it and finds Mr. Henderson playing with his toy army models. Bond slowly creeps behind Henderson and swiftly grabs him by the throat, placing a sharp knife up the man's jugular "make a sound, and you're dead". Bond kicks Henderson's lower leg hard, which causes the leg to fall off and reveal itself as wooden stump. "You got the boot."

Brosnan

Bond is guided by a beauty to the room Mr. Henderson is residing. Before opening the door, Bond notices his hand has a moisture that's fizzling out. Bond screams "STOOOOOOOOOOOP" and an explosion occurs within the room, blasting the door out and throwing Bond against the wall. Bond looks to his left and sees the same girl making a run for, he goes right after her. Bond runs outside and sees the girl speeding out in a Ford Thunderbird, Bond jumps into his BMW to catch her as David Arnold's techno rendition of the James Bond theme blasts in a repetitive fashion. As his car slowly creeps to her's, Bond presses a button next to the shift stick. A forklift appears from under Bond's BMW, lifting up the lady's car on his right. "YOU CAUNT GET AWAY! TELL ME WHO YAH WOUKING FOAAAHH!!! I CAUN PROTECT YOU!!! DOYOUUNDERSTANDME!!!! I CAN PROTECT YOU!!!!" Without realizing, Bond is speeding toward the edge of the cliff. Bond tries to stop his car but it's too late, both cars crash off the side of the cliff. Bond uses the car's emergency ejector to fly out of his vehicle. While falling, Bond's chair turns into a jet pack and lands him to safety, but only after both cars have digitally exploded.  Bond heavily catches his breath, ending the scene with David Arnold's melodramatic piano play.

Craig

Bond crashes through the paper wall in Henderson's room. Confused, he tries to ask Bond what's going on but is interrupted as Bond grabs him by the back of his shirt and drags him across the room. Guards with machine guns start blazing through shooting up the room. Armed only with an outdated PPK, Bond only shoots up pipes that blow out steam, throwing the guards off. Bond pushes Henderson out of the window, only to realize they're still on the second floor. He looks down to see the lifeless body of Henderson on the concrete. Bond escapes by parkour. Finally in the clear, he takes out his mobile phone to contact M. "Henderson was a dead end", M replies "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO QUESTION HIM NOT TO KILLHIM!!! RAWR RAWR RAWR!!!!!" Bond hangs up his phone and throws it in a waste bin.

Makeshift Python wrote:

Vesper gives Bond his dinner jacket.


Connery

Bond, asks in a bored manner "How did you get a tailored shuit for me?" Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond shrugs off the odd reply and embraces her. "Is that all you can do?" he asks. Vesper smiles and kisses him, as they make out, Bond notices a reflection in her eye, turns around and uses her as a human shield as a goon is about to attack Bond. He throws him into the tub and as the goon grabs for his gun Bond quickly tosses Vesper's blow dryer into the tub and shocks the goon to death. Bond puts on his dinner jacket, looks at Vesper still shaken up and dully quips "I figured you blew".

Lazenby

Bond asks, "How did you get a tailored suit for me?" She replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond, deeply touched, walks up to her and embraces her. "I'll never meet another girl like you..." Bond says tenderly, then asks "Will you marry me?"

Moore

"Just how did you get a suit tailored for me?", asks Bond. Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Bond, smirks and cocks his eyebrow, "Is that all you sized up?" Vesper blushes and they start to make out, heading for the bedroom to shag.

Dalton

Bond asks,"how did you? It's tailored." Vesper replies "I sized you up the moment we met." Immediately suspicious of Vesper, he assumes she's a double agent and storms into the bathroom as she's doing her makeup. Grabbing her by the arm, he drags her into the bedroom, throwing her on top of the bed. Vesper cries "What the hell is the matter with you?!" He pulls out his PPK and presses it against her face "Nobody could actually size up someone by sight, so it's only possible you got the info from the enemy, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THEM!" Vesper cries "No!" Bond viciously spits out "I WANT THE TRUTH!" then cocks his gun. Vesper surrenders and admits that she's working for the organization behind Le Chiffre. Bond, suddenly paranoid about the entire operation, runs straight to the window and looks down outside, preparing to jump out. He looks back at Vesper then overacts "TIME TO LEAVE!" as he jumps out and makes a run for it.

Brosnan

Bond guesses that Vesper used a gadget to size him up. Doesn't bother to ask as he's busy applying his L'Oreal for men products.

Makeshift Python wrote:

Tracy dies at the end of OHMSS

Connery

As Bond is flirting with Tracy, Blofeld shows up driving a sedan while Irma Bunt blazes her submachine gun at Bond and his wife. "It's Blofeld", says Bond in a bored tone. He gets back in the car ready to start the engine, then notices his wife is now lifeless with a bullet wound on her forehead. Bond takes a moment before flatly saying "Damn...".

Moore

As Irma Bunt begins shooting at the Bond and Tracy, the bullets mysteriously go astray, missing both targets. The Sedan drives off, with Bond cocking his eyebrow as he watches them. Tracy, confused, asks Bond, "how the devil did they miss?" Bond then check his watch and quips "sheer magnetism, darling." They start shagging in the Aston Martin.

Dalton

As Bond looks at Tracy corpse he quickly embraces her, sobbing. As he realizes what happened, rage starts to fill his entire being. He starts the engine and takes off, racing towards Blofeld's sedan like a madman. As he creeps to Blofeld's right, he takes a moment to look into Blofeld's eyes to let him know he was absolutely fucked. "WATCH THE BIRDY, YOU BASTARD!"  Bond then slams his car onto Blofeld's, causing his sedan to crash off the road and down the cliff. Bond stops his car to step out and take a look as the sedan crashes into flames.

Brosnan

Painfaces and grunts all the way to the credits.

Craig

As Irma Bunt shoots, Bond catches the bullet that would have hit Tracy, with his bare hand. As the sedan drives off, Bond aims and swings his arm, throwing the bullet directly to Blofeld's head, causing it to explode. The sedan then crashes down the cliff into flames. Tracy, confused, asks "what happened?" Bond awkwardly quips "I can find the uhhhh... stationary."

And with that, it's time to start anew...

SPECTRE

Blofeld: "Franz Oberhauser died in an avalanche 20 years ago. That man you're talking to now, the man inside your head... is Ernst Stavro Blofeld."


Connery: "Named after your mother, perhapsh?"

Lazenby:*dubbed by George Baker* "If you'll forgive me, that's what l'm here to find out. The college will require more concrete proofs."

Moore: *dryly* "Quite revealing." *eyebrow*

Dalton: *inexplicably breaks out of his restraints, headbutting Blofeld, instantly killing him. He looks at Madeleine, grins like a schoolboy and embraces her face in his hands* "khaista..." *he suddenly remembers the watch is about to explode in five seconds* "TIME TO LEAVE!"

Brosnan: *All he does is PAINFACE through the entire scene, not because of the torture, but because of the contrivance of Blofeld's naming*

HGTB wrote:

Craig: Looks angry for no reason, ignores instructions, cuts off Q and demands the key. Then preceeds to not be able to find car door without using his phone to contact MI6, trips over front end of car, angrily gets in, slams door squeals tires and leaves.

When the car is meant to be used in an action scene he slams and punches random buttons breaking the console and the car auto destructs. Zao looks on incredulously. End titles.

Brilliant.

MP wrote:

Lazenby:*dubbed by George Baker* "If you'll forgive me, that's what l'm here to find out. The college will require more concrete proofs."
Brosnan: *All he does is PAINFACE through the entire scene, not because of the torture, but because of the contrivance of Blofeld's naming*

I adore this thread as well.

SPECTRE

Blofeld: "Franz Oberhauser died in an avalanche 20 years ago. That man you're talking to now, the man inside your head... is Ernst Stavro Blofeld."

Connery: Shows no emotion other than "f*** you" as he waves his smoking cigarette effortlessly. "Our asylums are already full of Blofelds." "Bitch." Blofeld conceeds. Explosion. Bond and girl shag. End credits.
Lazenby: And just how many millions are you after this time? (Can't keep big grin off his face at the expense of this new moron.) Explosion. Blofeld escapes. Bond escapes and drives of in pursuit of Blofeld's next caper with St. Bernard in tow.
Moore: Turns to girl of the film: "It's just a small headed man of limited means who lost a fight with a chicken darling." Blofeld realizes his life is then pointless and concedes. Bond and gal shag.
Dalton: Bond freezes momentarily as the revelation comes to him. Seething with apoplectic rage he angrily fights off all bodyguards to get to Blofeld in a fight far more vicious than the OHMSS hallway fight outside the cablecar machine room. He manages to get his hands on Blofeld but is knocked away. Bond dives for cover as Blofeld fires away with a futuristic weapon. Then Bond notices his adversary standing in some sort of doorway. He manages to slam the hatch shut and engage the depressurization tank. "Watch the strawberry jam you bastard!"
Brozzer: Goes all pithy emotional with barbed one liners that are ineffective because he knows he is caught and hoisted upon his own petard. Blofeld gets close to him and uses a bunch of personal details to insult him further causing inward painface mournful looks. Suddenly with the help of Jinx who is then mercifully eliminated, Bond is able to activate his Q-Branch provided Phillips Norelco razor to fly around like a drone and hit people with laser blasts. "Seems like you've had a close shave Blofeld!"--"You can't kill my flights of fancy but they can kill you"-Blofeld is accidentally immolated and thrown out of the crashing space shuttle by Christmas who had popped up randomly via a floor hatch and whose bum had accidentally knocked the Phillips Norelco laser drone razor to hit Blofeld.
"Did I come up too soon?"--"It's funny you should say that. The last time this happened Goodnight was just coming."
They shag in the new millennium.

"Our asylums are full of Blofelds." Excellent!

Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me Commander, I'm sorry."
Connery: "No, but it shlayed your mother lasht night, TREBEK!"

Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me Commander, I'm sorry."
Lazenby: "It used to slay Tracy..." *sobs*

Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me Commander, I'm sorry."
Moore: "We all get our jollies one way or another." *eyebrow*

Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me Commander, I'm sorry."
Dalton: "No?" *swiftly shoots him in the head* "Well that should."

Mishkin: "Your sense of humor does not slay me Commander, I'm sorry."
Craig: "Done." *walks off, to everyone's confusion*

Tucking Stacey in:

Connery slips into bed. Stacy wakes.
"Is Pusshay shtill hungry? I have a shaushage."
He fills her up.

Lazenby slips into bed. They have some great pillow talk, both becoming quite vulnerable in each other's company. They shag. Lazenby cries when he finishes.

Dalton tucks Stacy in, pacing up and down the room on lookout duties. He doesn't sleep. The earthquake hits San Fransisco in the morning. The bird in the cage flutters. On edge, he turns to shoot it but stops himself. He sighs. 'Watch the birdie you bastard.'

Brosnan slips into bed, his gun under the pillow. She wakes and asks, "Rock salt?" Brosnan smiles and shakes his head. "Rock hard." They shag.

Craig wouldn't be in this situation. As soon as she pulled the shotgun on him earlier, he killed her. Currently, he is running across America, Judi Dench in tow.

Trying another one after a long absence.
Kara's apartment TLD, "Who are you?"

Sean: (twinkle in the eye.) My friends call me James Bond. They shag.

George: I see the KGB giftwrapped the place for you. Bond then leads Kara out past the KGB via daring jump off the roof which is spotted by the KGB and the snow chase ensues.

Roger: I dropped the gun in the river-it really doesn't suit you my dear. Kara falls madly in love with her knight in shining armor instantaneously. She immediately skips to Lover's lesson number three to a raised eyebrow. Bond-Now why don't we see just what your friend Georgi really had in mind? Kara-I never learned to read Russian.

Brozzer: Bond appears and engages in a intimate conversation with Kara, feeling her character out until suddenly hitting her with an accusatory: "or did you steal that from your old friend Whitaker?" -Brad Whitaker the American? --Oh I think you know it's called....SLAP. But I didn't finish. Kara: I thought you were going to say something nasty. You know, you never called me back. I used to look for your obituary all the time: back end of horse found dead! Bond acknowledges this and suddenly goes mournful. This melts Kara's heart and they passionately embrace. While in bed they talk more and suddenly several henchman appear. A fight ensues where of course Bond is strangled for pure PAINFACE action. He uses the remote control to send the BMW up the stairs and into the apartment to take out the goons, grabs Kara and they jump in to then smash out the windows and land on the street. KGB goons look on in amazement. Chase ensues. Bond to astounded Kara: Right off the showroom floor.

Craig: brings in rifle and holds Kara at gunpoint with her own gun to her terror. Craig calls MI6 on cell phone and begins arguing with M: "I'm not going after Pushkin. I've got the hostile here. She's not getting away. I won't miss this time. I'll get answers." snaps phone shut to find Kara has run away in hysterics. Calls MI6 back: "there's been a slight holdup." Gets chastised by M and goes into pout face. Kara runs to KGB and pleads she knows nothing and to save her from the crazy man. Craig gets into V8 in frustrated rage and in doing so punches the console with his fists repeatedly to start the emotional scene. As the tears start the self destruct he hit a moment before goes off. End credits.

The bar fight in LTK:

Connery: Shoots the odd person as the 007 Theme plays, turns a table over and kills Dario. Sits and asks for a Martini whilst idly watching the dancer still going. "Shocking, positively shocking."

Lazenby: Makes Pam sit and takes out all the bad guys single handedly. Gets to the dancer afterwards, reaches into his jacket for his cigarette case: "I don't suppose you have a light do you?"

Moore: A lot of kicking up the backside, pushing aside, lets Pam do the hard work and sits down to watch her finish the other bad guys off. The dancer plays for Bond alone, Pam gets to Bond after defeating the bad guys: "Enjoying yourself?" she says sarcastically.
"I think I like Key West a great deal more now," Bond says grinning up at the dancer.

Brosnan: Fights the bad guys in the background as Pam does her hair and makeup. Frantic Arnold score. Once done he joins Pam, hair a mess, suit ruffled and takes her drink as she reaches for it:
"Mine I think."

Craig: Frenetic camera work, no expression, but then lets Pam do all the work.

Nice work fellas!  

Also, classy M.KKBB :

I wrote:

Tucking Stacey in:

Brosnan slips into bed, his gun under the pillow. She wakes and asks, "Rock salt?" Brosnan smiles and shakes his head. "Rock hard." They shag.

SPOLIERS

SPOILERS

Whatever.

The Navy's missiles are roaring in to the island, Bond has been wounded by Safin

Connery: Dives off the side of the island, emerges onto a life raft. "Yesh, well, no sense going off half-cocked."

Lazenby: Rapid punches to control levers to open the covers. As the missiles arc in, he deflects them by deft kicks. "So much for the other fella."

Moore: Lights a cigar, pours a Martini as he sits at a table bedecked with the Union flag. "If one is to go, one must go in style."

Dalton: "Piss off," he scowls seeing the missiles. He sorts out the covers to let the missiles in, startled by a monkey, he dives into the ocean and relentlessly swims to safety.

Brosnan: Arms pumping he runs about opening the covers. Grabbing a cable he swings over the side and ends up on a piece of debris. Resting on his elbow he regards the destruction wryly.

Wai Lin: “It depends if your mission is peace or revenge."

Connery: “It depends on your Peking duck!”
Lazenby: “Another mistake!”
Moore: “I’m more concerned about stopping a war!"
Dalton: “You want to know why?”
Craig: “I’m motivated by my Judi.”

Haha, what a great thread.

Bond sets fire to Sanchez:

Connery: "Where there is smoke, there is fire!" Grins.
Lazenby: "You look twice as lovely in the firelight. Will you marry me?"
Moore: Lights his cigar with the burning villain.
Brosnan: Sniffs the smoking hair of crispy Sanchez.
Craig: Tries to punch the burning Sanchez to death, sets fire to himself and burns to death as well.

Phantom Commander wrote:

Haha, what a great thread.

Bond sets fire to Sanchez:


Moore: Lights his cigar with the burning villain.

Now that's a genuine Felix Lighter!

Phantom Commander wrote:

Haha, what a great thread.

Bond sets fire to Sanchez:

Craig: Tries to punch the burning Sanchez to death, sets fire to himself and burns to death as well.